Airplane Humor
I spend a lot of time on airplanes. I've heard some of these, collected the
rest from others.
Getting Ready to Go
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight!"
In the Air
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy
said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Getting Ready to Land
A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants
are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you
might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses."
Landing
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City, the steward said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault... it was the
asphalt!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
everything has shifted."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
An airline pilot said that on one flight he hammered hard onto the runway.
The airline policy required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
United." He said that after that bad landing, he had a hard time looking
passengers in the eye, expecting a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off
except for an old lady with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of us."
Repairs
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and
the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."